The days are numbered…

I’ve come to realize in this last week that the days are numbered with this itty bitty girl.

There are only so many days left where she will beg me to hold her, to pick her up and kiss all her ouchies away, to snuggle with me late at night in bed, to wake up with her staring into my eyes, to have her need me, really need me when she’s sick.
The days are numbered where she will come flying at me, looking at me like I’m the only one- “I like you, Mommy… I love you. You love me?”
The days are numbered where she is begging and pleading with us to chase her one more time. “Follow me again, Mommy!”
The days are numbered where she fits so perfectly in my lap, beneath my chin, where I can smell her little girl small, and delight in the weight of her in my arms.
The days are numbered where she is so completely dependent on us for her most basic needs- to help cloth her, bathe her, feed her, help her with her medicines.
The days are numbered where she wants us to read to her instead of reading to us, where she takes delight in watching us draw shapes and people for her to scribble on- “Another circle! Watch me color and say “whoa, whoa, whoa!” ”
The days are numbered for her mimicking us, for her wanting to have her toes the same color, to wear the same color socks or pants, to do our hair the same- “Ponies, Mommy?”
The days are numbered for her to be my baby, my little big girl.

Some days it is crippling in the way she needs me, I completely have to surrender myself to her and her needs, some days it doesn’t feel if I exist, but am just her servant. It has brought me to my knees several times with the realization that this child, my baby, fully and completely relies on ME for all her basic human care- emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I sacrificed my body to give her life and some parts of myself to make this world everything she needs it to be… motherhood is giving yourself 100% to that tiny human…. and it is so worth it, I would not give a single moment of it back.

And, with all that, my heart is breaking, tearing apart, thinking of the day she doesn’t need me in this way as she needs me right now. She can’t grow, I don’t want her to, I can’t bear it… I NEED her to stay little for me, I need these moments to last a little longer.

With tears in my eyes, I reluctantly admit that she needs to grow up, she needs to need me in different ways, and she needs to experience someone needing her in this way.

But, I will never stop needing her, needing her heartbeat, needing the around of her breathing.

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